At a very early point in the pandemic I just stopped writing. No journal entries, no blogs. Nothing. I’m not sure why – I guess we all had to hunker down and just keep going with our lives, and for me, reflection and contemplation had no place. As spring and vaccines are here, and our baby boy is coming within weeks, I finally feel like I want to write.
We have all struggled this year – that doesn’t need to be said. For me, the hardest interactions have been informal ones, with friends and acquaintances. Early in the pandemic, I tried, but it didn’t go well or sit right with me – I didn’t want to be the asshole who backed away or insisted on masks for 3 year olds or was a stickler about sharing toys. But I realized I had to be, in order to keep our family in harmony. Trying was exhausting. So eventually we stopped seeing many people, and life became very, very quiet. Thank goodness for Maia’s school, a small community program, where she is one of 3-5 kids each day, three times a week. Masks and separate work/play stations are the rule. Formalized, no need for negotiation. Simple.
I don’t fault other parents for doing things differently, but for our family, this was the best way, although it absolutely made me sad much of the time. Normally I like to be the person who says “the more the merrier”, “come give me a hug” and “here, share our snacks!” I had to re-adopt the social anxiety I’d worked so hard to banish.
I’ve been exceedingly grateful for conversations with friends near and far who have taken similar precautions and felt similar frustrations. Grief is better when shared.
Then, I got pregnant. Growing our family was no longer just an idea. I am so thankful, 1) because I was able to get pregnant and 2) because it gave me a focus. Again, the first trimester wiped me out so much that doing anything but sleeping during a free moment was out of the question. Being pregnant while caring for a 3 year old is not easy. But sweet baby boy, you have been active and involved already, bumping your big sister as we read books in the evening, stretching and kicking every evening when your dad and I sit together. We feel old and tired sometimes, and we hope we have enough love to give. We can’t wait to hold you and cuddle you and admire your tiny toes.
As I sit here in front of our window, enjoying the birdsong and surveying our seedlings, I feel sad for what we all have missed out on over this past year, but there are so many reasons to be hopeful. As more and more people get vaccinated, we can interact again without so much stress, and hopefully revive our relationships. All the grandparents are vaccinated, so they can visit freely and be involved again. Spring is here and life goes on.
Where I Can Write Stuff 