My routine is weird. I suppose there is the potential for feeling isolated any time one is in a situation unlike the one faced by those around her. No matter how good the situation is, there is a quiet loneliness. It is isolating because it is very specific. For those of us, like me, who like to feel we are part of something – a group, a cohort, etc., its challenging. I commute in the afternoons. I am with Maia in the mornings. When I work, in the evenings, I am working in 2 different offices. Maia goes to bed at 8:30/9pm and wakes up around 9am, which is different from a lot of babies, but works for us, because I can put her to bed after I get home. I guess when you have a family, that is how things go – you create the life that serves you and your loved ones. No one else will do it quite the same way. Others listen. They say “Oh that sounds great” or “Oh that sounds hard.” It is both. I guess that is just life.
Maia is doing amazing things now. She is beginning to know her colors. She almost says “car” and says “eye” very clearly and points, sticking her finger into the eyes of new friends. She started walking about a month ago (at 16 months) and now LOVES walking – returning her shakers and toys at the library, walking circles around the car after we get home. She likes to kiss and feed her favorite stuffed animals, Bunny and Bear. I am so proud of her and thrilled every day to be her mom.
It is hard, but not the way life used to be hard before Zoloft. It is normal-hard. Very doable-hard. Even in the hard and lonely parts, I love my life. Yes, it is a bit isolating because no one else has quite the same thing going on. It’s a weird feeling, hard to pin down and articulate. I guess that is what we moms have in common – we are all isolated in our own circumstances. From the time you get pregnant, you are the only one with your specific circumstances. No one else is on the same schedule, then no one else has the same pregnancy or birth experience. No one else negotiates the same family life or work-life as you. It requires bravery, and a strong sense of self. We must hold fast to our identity, our priorities. We must share what we can with others, lean on each other, and be leaned on. We must keep close the people who, though they can’t live our lives, get us, understand us. I am so thankful for my husband, my parents, my dear friends who are beside me – not with me every moment, not living my life, but living with me.